I also love my church— because when it’s time to worship, they turn the music up enough so I can’t hear me. Which is also nice for the people around me. But for the last three weeks, with the stay at home order in place, we’ve been ‘going’ to online church. And I’m realizing it’s hard for me to worship remotely. 

So this is where I find myself struggling. Instead of participating, I just watch online worship. Even with the words on screen I am hesitant. I don’t want to hear me sing. So I mostly just mumble-hum along. I am a spectator. 

This is not who I want to be. Apparently, so much of my worship has been conditional. If there’s the big sound, if there’s the social comfort of a crowd all singing too, then I’ll pour my heart out to God in song. Sadly, it feels like I need all that and my spectator-worship just doesn’t move me or express what I want to express. 

Which reminded of this: 

“It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.” —John 4:23-24 (The Message)

I’m feeling convicted. I need to get over myself and learn how to truly worship God even by myself. I want to worship more truly. So here’s my plan, I’m going to create time in my corona-altered schedule for private, personal worship, probably on my walks. I intend for it to go like this:

Thanksgiving – I’m going to make a list in my mind of everything I can think of that I can be thankful for, big, small, trivial, and meaningful. 

Praise – From that place of gratitude, I’m going to make a list in my mind of who God is and what God is like. I’m going to focus on his character and nature. 

Worship – I’ll then transition into a more free form time of telling God what I think of him and how he makes me feel. 

Transcendence – I know there’s something beyond the singing, beyond the worship. But I don’t know how to put words to it. But my goal will be to experience that presence of God in that transcendent way. I’ve felt it before, on the beach watching waves roll in at sunset, in the room when my kids were born, and yes, while singing in church. I’m hoping to touch that sense of being with God, when I’m by myself. 

So how about you? Do you find yourself struggling to worship in this COVID-19 season? What are you doing to break through?