The Dog I Didn't Deserve

Judah was with us for fourteen years. 

June 1, 2016 was Judah's last day. Levi, Taylor and I said our goodbyes and gave him some last treats. We facetimed with Kay Charlotte so she could be there too. I'm sad. I'm grateful.

Judah was a good dog. He tried my patience. He shed and he slobbered. But he was eager to please and wanted to be where we were. He reminded me of me. At times he showed me my shortcomings and just by being himself he showed me that I want to be a better man. And he reminded me of my own mortality, and he showed me that mercy is often the best course.

I love that Judah was an optimist. He was a living example of how to be enthusiastic for simple things. He always believed for one more throw of the ball, and always hoped for a stray piece of popcorn on the floor. I am impressed with him in that he faced aging and even his last days, (which must have been more painful than we know), with tremendous hope. He never got snappy or even had a hint of a bad temper. Instead he chose to sleep close to the back door instead of on his bed. I think it's because he wanted to be a little closer to us while he was hurting.

Levi and I stayed with him and stroked his ears while the vet gave him the injection. It was short, without any drama. He licked his chops and laid his head down one last time. I am deeply saddened that his story has ended. But I think we did it right. We didn't wait too long, and we didn't rush to get rid of him like he was inconvenient. I think we gave him a good life, and I think he enjoyed it, and I think he helped us be more human. 

A Bar of Soap and a Kilo of Sugar

Instead of black, I wore a flowery printed skirt the day I met Josephine. She was the mother of Robina, the 15-year-old girl we sponsored for ten years. Together we planted a mango tree in her daughter's memory.

Two mothers honor the life of a daughter. 

Josephine must have run out of hope the day she sold Robina to a man from their village. When I first heard the story, my heart broke, “How could this have happened?” I thought it would’ve been for a large sum of money, but, no. Robina was sold for a kilo of sugar and a bar of soap. Perhaps Josephine was tired of being filthy from digging for roots to feed her other children. Maybe she wanted sugar to ease the taste of her bitter, muddy-water tea. My mind cannot even begin to imagine…

My rage and disgust turned to mercy and forgiveness. I saw a mother who felt she had no options. My heart went out to Josephine the day we first met. She threw herself at my feet, begging me to forgive her, and not to turn her over to the police. Her arms were muddy from digging for roots, and working in the fields. The purple traditional dress she wore was filthy but she walked her steps towards me with eloquence and regret. Her eyes were streaming tears of shame and guilt beyond imagination, for her act of hopelessness resulting in “our” daughter’s untimely death. I knelt down to pick her up, and said, “The only one we bow to, is the one neither of us are worthy to approach, his name is Jesus.”  She stood up, and wiped her tears with her dress. I motioned for her to sit next to me. She continued to try to bow to me for mercy, but I kept motioning for her to stand up and sit by me.

I’m sure her mind replayed the moment she realized Robina was pregnant by the man she sold her to. It’s possible she remembered all the lies she’d told to keep her pregnancy secret, so she could continue to keep Robina in school. Robina’s trunk was packed and ready for High School, but her mom kept telling people, “Robina has a headache and can’t go to school yet.” The truth was, Josephine had taken Robina to a witch doctor and gotten herbs to abort the baby, but after taking the potion, Robina bled to death.  I got a text that same night, saying. “It is unbelievable that Nakikandwe Robina is dead.” I was shocked!

And there I sat with Josephine and told her God is a God of mercy. She was surprised when I said I did not come to judge her, nor was I mad at her, and I was not going to call the police to put her in prison. I said, “I forgive you.” She sobbed, and sobbed. I said, “If you ask God for forgiveness, He is faithful to forgive, and clean you from all things you do wrong.”  She asked for forgiveness that day, and will never be the same.

I’ll never be the same either. I’d only read about mercy triumphing over judgment through the blood of Jesus. That day, I lived it out. I got the unique and life-changing opportunity to truly let mercy and the kindness of God lead someone to repentance. Someone I’d judged harshly, someone not deserving of forgiveness, and yet, I couldn’t do anything but forgive, because God was forgiving her through me. It was marvelous.

Josephine and I planted a fruit tree in memory of Robina that day. As we did, I quoted the scripture, “Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains single, but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” I believe the fruit from the seed of Robina’s life will be for Josephine and the people of the village to remember that mercy truly triumphs over judgment. Only God can work that kind of forgiveness into someone’s heart. For that I’m thankful and free.  So glad I didn’t wear black but chose flowers instead.

The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is key to becoming wholehearted… as is coffee…  

​I heard about Brené Brown a few years ago. Several of my Facebook friends posted links to a video of her Ted Talk in Houston called, “The Power of Vulnerability”. If you haven’t seen it, be sure to check it out.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

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A few months ago, I came across a CD set of her teaching on vulnerability, authenticity, connection and courage. I’ve listened to it several times and Brown’s work has become a key component of the talks I give on relationships in YWAM’s Discipleship Training Schools.

Key lessons for my life have included:

• I’ve learned to recognize that vulnerability is not weakness
• I am learning to distinguish between guilt and shame
• I am encouraged to seek stronger connection in all my relationships

​The thing that strikes me is that, even in my middle years, I have more growing to do. I'm not done, and I have opportunities to become a better human. I'm very grateful for Brené Brown and for her work because she inspires me in the right direction. 

That "Aha!" Moment

So I'm in Long Beach, California this week. I'm teaching in one of YWAM's Discipleship Training Schools. (This is the entry level course for our University of the Nations. It's offered at more than 400 locations around the world). I've got 12 students from 5 nations and this week we're discussing Mission and Outreach. It's a timely topic for them because a week from Thursday these students finish up the classroom phase of their school and they head out for two months of cross-cultural outreach.

I'm telling you, it's a real privilege for me to get to do this. I've found that I love teaching, and of course, I'm passionate about the topic, so that makes it easy and hard. It's easy to be motivated to do it, but hard to figure out what I'm going to say—there's just so much! I think my favorite part is those moments where I say something, and I see the light bulbs go on… kinda like in the cartoons you know? For example, today I was talking about how God is already active in the places that the students are going. He's been on the move, and it's their privilege to see what He's been up to, and join Him in the work He's prepared them to do. And I saw it—the lightbulb. I saw them grasp it and I saw that the pressure they'd been putting themselves of having to bring Jesus to these people melt away as they realized He's already there waiting for them to arrive.

I ask that you pray for me and for my students the rest of this week. Pray for more, lightbulb moments. And pray too, for my health. I've been fighting a bit of a cold this week, and I can feel it draining my energy. Thanks so much for being on this mission with us!

Losing Robinah

A week ago we received horrible news from Uganda, "It is unbelievable that NAKIKANDWE ROBINAH is dead!!!", was written in a late-night text message from Pastor Fred.

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Kay Charlotte met Robinah her on her first trip to Uganda in 2005. She was so very shy, so soft spoken, but oh so sweet. She sat in the corner and looked out the window while the other children in her classroom went over to greet Kay Charlotte. So Kay Charlotte went to her, and in kind, motherly affection, with gentleness, she coaxed some beautiful, bright, open smiles from Robinah. She was right in between our own kids' ages, and when Kay Charlotte saw that her home wasn't healthy for her, we agreed to sponsor her at Bright Hope Primary School founded by Pastor Fred.

Over the next several years we were able to visit Robinah at Bright Hope. She was a middle of the pack student, but it was clear that living at school was good for her. She and Taylor hit it off easily. She smiled shyly at Levi, and called him, "River". She received hugs and affection from Kay Charlotte. With me, it was hard for her to meet my eyes, and she seemed to shrink back. I got the impression that men had not been kind to her in the past. I didn't press her, and made myself content to smile and bless her from a distance. Over the years we received photos and letters that showed her progress.

Two weeks ago, Robinah learned that she had passed her exams, and was accepted to a secondary school in Masaka, three hours away. We had just made arrangements to help with her expenses.

Robinah was fifteen years old when she died. We don't know much, other than it was sudden and unexpected. We thought she was past the age of vulnerability. She was buried in a simple casket near her family's home on Thursday, February 25th. Her funeral was attended by hundreds of her schoolmates, and much of the community.

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When we got the news, we couldn't believe it. We thought there must be some mistake. When we got off the internet call with Pastor Fred, we broke down. We thought her future was assured—secondary school meant a chance at breaking the cycle of poverty. She was on her way. And now she is gone. So we grieve. We've cried. We've lost sleep, and we've struggled with the "why" and "how" of this. We know understanding won't help, but, ahh! It is so unfair. We had such high hopes for her, and we thought our help would make a difference. Although we know it did, I guess we thought there would be more.

Of course we aren't lost in despair. We see hope. Robinah knows Jesus. We gave her a Bible and her teachers told us she would read it in her bunk with the flashlight we gave her. We're told she had a growing understanding of faith. So we have faith that she's in the presence of God. I believe she's fully restored now. She's receiving all the love from the Father, warm and safe in his strong embrace! Finally, she knows who she is, and whose she is! And isn't this the point of the sponsorship that we gave her, that she would know the love and acceptance of our Heavenly Father?

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Today we know more painfully that life is precious. We are faced with how fragile it is, and how quickly it can end. I'll be honest. I'm tempted to withdraw. I want to lean a way from deep connections. I'm not sure I can handle more loss. I don't want to be vulnerable. Yet, I recognize Holy Spirit's whisper. He's telling me to go ahead and feel it; feel the loss deeply. Somehow in doing that, I can identify a little with the Father that has lost so much more. And Holy Spirit is whispering that it's right to remain vulnerable. It's right to risk in this way, because it's in this kind of unguarded weakness that connection can be made.

Through this I'm also reminded that I don't want those that I love to ever wonder how I feel about them. I never broke through with Robinah. I didn't get to represent God in that way to her; I guess Heavenly Father saved that for himself. But I do get to represent Him to others. And so I choose to lean in and be more intentional with the people I love. I encourage you to do the same.

Reimagining the Lord's Prayer

Last week we stayed at a big beach house with friends for some YWAM meetings. During a devotional time together, one of our friends gave each of us a rock and said it was us. They pointed to the Pacific Ocean and said that was the Word of God. They then asked all of us, "Are you up here where the spray might get you wet every once in a while? Or are you like the rocks on the shore, occasionally getting wet with the tides? Where do you want to be?" Of course, I couldn't resist throwing my rock as far out into the surf as possible. Our friend then pointed to the other rocks on the shore and noted how that they were all smooth and round. The incessant wave action had chipped, rubbed, and sanded off all the rough edges. They warned/encouraged us that if we're going to be in the Word, and in the presence of the one who is the Word, then we should recognize that this is going to change us. 

After a few minutes of pondering the waves, we were encouraged to meditate on some scripture. As I've done in the past, I've enjoyed re-writing some passages in my own words to help me get at the deeper meaning and to help me connect with God. This time I sat and read the Lord's Prayer found in Matthew 6. Here's what I wrote: 

"Oh Papa, here, everywhere, and beyond, your names are amazing! Can your presence be thicker here? Help me to align my life with your purposes today; I want to live like it's already heaven here. Thanks for taking care of me, for all the food, and everything else. I'm sorry that I'm often afraid, that I'm selfish, and too proud to change my ways. I know I can be so judgmental, but I let go of the aches and pains I've been dealt. Can you please help me in my mind and my will and my words? And keep that evil jerk away from me. I'm no match for him without you. Amen!" 

What I'm Reading

I read on my iPad every single day…

I read a lot every day. I follow bunches of blogs and am always gathering info about all sorts of nerdy things. I guess it's how I'm wired. Anyway, I'm often asked what I read, so here's a short list:

• Jamie the Very Worst Missionary I don't always agree with her, but I love, love, love her honesty. She's witty, she's deep, and her candor has helped me grow.
• Doggie Head Tilt You know how a dog will tilt her head when she's trying to figure out what you're saying? Yeah, I get that every time I read Michael Metzger's stuff.
• Darrow Miller and Friends Darrow taught in the YWAM Leadership Training School that I attended way back in 2002. His thoughts on development and how to bring change are profound.
• Shared Laments Leah Ouimet lives with our family. She's a deep thinker. And she can write. I love her questions and how she puts concepts together.

Of course, I read all sorts of nerdy stuff about tech, development, photography, and art, so these are just the highlights! If you wanna know more about what else I read, contact me!